Letters to Shinichi
by DetectiveLion
Summary: People do lots of things when they're confused. Some take long walks. Some read books. Some eat sweets. Ran writes letters. Letters to Shinichi, to be exact. A series of letters in Ran's POV, all addressed to Shinichi. Basically, drabbles.
1. Down the Rabbit Hole

**Me no own Detective Conan**

Dear Shinichi,

I remember, some years ago, your kaa-san decided to bring Alice's Adventures in Wonderland as a souvenir from her latest trip. You looked at the cover disdainfully and then asked her, "Why would you buy such a useless thing?" She only pouted as always and sent you up to your room to 'think about what you had done.'

The expression on your face then was priceless, Shinichi.

The next day, I caught you reading that book in your bedroom. You looked like you wanted to kill that book, the pages had wrinkles on them from you gripping them out of frustration. When you looked up at me, you waved the book in my face and yelled, "What the hell is this? What kind of idiot would go chasing a _rabbit_, then follow it down some stupid _hole in the ground?" _And with that, you threw the book across the room. It hit the wall and fell into the trash bin.

But when you thought I wasn't looking, you picked it up, dusted it off, and set it down on your bed to continue reading later. You never change, Shinichi. You've always been an arrogant, egoistical fool. You make a scene of rejecting your kaa-san's present and even throwing it away, only to pick it up again when no one is looking.

As long as I can remember, you've been like that.

But now you've changed.

It's been-what- a year and a half now? A full eighteen months since I was able to walk to school with you and not worry about you collapsing or disappearing. It's ridiculous. I've learned to never take my friends for granted now. Every day I see Sonoko, or Tou-san, or Kaa-san, or even Conan-kun is a blessing to me. To hear your voice on the phone is a gift from heaven nowadays.

Don't you _dare_ get a swollen hear from that, Shinichi. I only said that to prove my point. And what is my point? That you've been gone so-freaking-long I've gotten paranoid that everyone's going to start disappearing.

Anyway, I'm getting way off topic now. Let's rewind a bit. To: 'But now you've changed.'

It's true. You should hear yourself these days. You don't go ranting about your latest case or all the criminals you've caught. You don't start insulting my Tou-san, you don't even make sarcastic comments about the 'Sleeping Kogoro.' These days, you won't even go around singing the praises of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and his detective, Sherlock Holmes.

To be honest, it scares me. These changes aren't recent. They've been developing rapidly since you disappeared. And I don't even know what to think about them. I have to wonder just what this 'case' of yours involve, to change you so much. I wonder what you'll be like when you finally come home. If you come home.

Will I recognize you? Will you be the same Shinichi Kudo I've come to love over the years? And that's a big one: will I still love you?

I know, I know, I've already sworn that I'd wait for you, as long as it takes. But the Shinichi I love is the Shinichi I knew. I don't know this new Shinichi. I don't know what it was that made me fall for you, but I'm afraid that it's gone now.

What will I do if you come back and I find out I don't have these feelings for you anymore? It would throw me into a turmoil. My entire world would be thrown upside down. Just like that 'idiot girl' in Wonderland, I'll have fallen down the rabbit hole. Only this time, I think I'll be driven insane.

I miss you, Shinichi. I want you to come home. I want you to hold me close. I don't want you to just smile and give me a pat on the shoulder. I want you to love me.

Is it selfish? Is it fair for me to ask for your love after saying I may not love you? No, I guess it isn't. And I'm sorry for that. But I can't change the way I feel, I can't control the way I think. It just happens, and these are my thoughts and feelings.

Though I guess I still do love you. If I didn't, I probably wouldn't be pouring my heart and soul out onto this paper, would I? That's a comforting thought.

I hope you'll be able to read this someday. You have no idea how nice it was to let out all my emotions. The magic of a pen and paper is something I'd never seen before. Heck, maybe I'll follow in your father's footsteps and become a writer! The same way you're becoming a detective like my dad.

I know what you're thinking, Shinichi. Something like, 'How am I following in that idiots footsteps? I'm a much better detective than that fool!'

But do I? Do I know what you're thinking right now? Like I said, you've changed so much. It's like you're a different person. It confuses and annoys me to no end.

And at the same time, maybe, just maybe, I like it.

I like this new Shinichi who doesn't brag about his feats.

I like this new Shinichi who thinks about others before himself.

I like this new Shinichi who is always there when you truly need him.

And I hate this new Shinichi who is never there when you don't.

With love, and perhaps a more than a bit of dislike,

Ran

**And thus begins some random thing I threw together after watching two DC movies in a row. Quarter of Silence and Magician of the Silver Sky, to be exact. I think this came from my frustration that Shinichi is always RIGHT THERE but Ran never knows it. So I wrote all this out to vent my feelings. Excuse me if it makes no sense, I didn't even edit it.**


	2. Lincoln and Kennedy

Dear Shinichi,

Last night, I had a nightmare.

I was back in Tropical Land with you. The Roller Coaster Murder never happened, you never left me that night. Instead, we continued to enjoy our night to the fullest. Around midnight(don't ask me how I know what time it was or why the rides were running at that time, it was a DREAM, mystery-otaku) the two of us got on the Ferris Wheel. We were at the top and the fireworks were going off and then you were leaning in and about to kiss me…

And then there was a gunshot. And suddenly you were falling, and there was blood everywhere. Your face was completely white, save for your once-bright cerulean eyes(now utterly blank in the face of death) and the crimson streaks running down your face. You had fallen right on top of me, your head was in my lap.

I just sat there, staring in horror at the dead face of Shinichi Kudo. And then suddenly you weren't there anymore, but instead it was Conan. And the only difference between you and him were the size and the broken glasses on his face. I'm not sure how long I just sat there, gazing down in horror as Conan became Shinichi and then Conan and then Shinichi again, just switching back and forth endlessly until I thought I'd go insane.

And just as I thought I had to either scream or cry or loose my mind, the entire Ferris Wheel exploded and I was falling into pure heat and darkness.

And that's when I woke up. I was drenched in cold sweat and I literally ran to my Tou-san's room to make sure Conan-kun was safe. Of course, he was since that had all been a dream.

Do you remember how I woke you up in the middle of the night by calling your cellphone? Your voice sounded funny and high pitched. Maybe it was just cause I was tired? That night, I was a blubbering mess on the phone with you. I remember how you whispered soothing words through the phone and, if I closed my eyes, I could almost imagine you were there with me. But then I had to open them again and you weren't there. I'm not sure if I love you for always being able to soothe me, or hate you for not being able to be by my side.

I know, that if you were here, you would've come right over to my house and comforted me there and then. Yes, you were an egoistical bastard in the past, but you've never been selfish. Maybe that's what I love about you.

After a good half hour of me crying my eyes out on the phone, and then _another_ thirty minutes of just listening to you speak, you finally excused yourself and hung up. I think that's the longest we've spoken to each other since you left. And, heck, we were hardly even speaking! I was whimpering like a puppy half the time.

Not even two minutes after you hung up, Conan-kun came into my room. He didn't say anything. He just sat on my bed and held my hand in his tiny ones and stroked the back of it until I fell asleep. Somehow, when I closed my eyes I thought it was you who was beside me.

Which brings me onto the subject of Conan-kun. You two are so alike its scary. You both love Holmes, both play soccer, both are detectives…! And the strange thing is, that though Conan says you've told him a lot about me, I never knew that boy existed until he showed up at Hakase's house!

And that is another freaky similarity between you two. When you disappeared, he showed up. You two are like Lincoln and Kennedy!

Wondering how I know about those two American Presidents? You, how else?

But that's not the only thing. I'm honestly offended when I see that a seven year old can handle murders better than I can. And I'm a detective daughter! It's just plain humiliating to break down screaming and crying while my 'little brother' takes care of everything.

It was different with you. You were a detective with a reputation, and my best friend. You never made fun of me for my reactions.

Not to say that Conan-kun makes fun of me. Seeing as you've told him my life story, he certainly knows that I rank pretty high in karate. As in gold-medal champion high.

But even that's not all. This kid ran across a burning bridge once. He's chased after the Kaitou Kid and foiled his plans on multiple occasions. He notices little details that I think even you would miss. It's just not normal to see a grade school boy, no , a _first grade_ boy, doing all this stuff.

Alright, I swear that if you laugh at this I'm going to bash your skull in. Many times before, I've convinced myself that Conan is actually you and even confronted him about it. Of course, something always happens to disprove my wild theories. And I've even seen you and Conan-kun in the same room at the same time. It's obvious you two are different people.

I feel pretty embarrassed thinking about it. He probably thinks I'm some nutjob who's desperate to find her boyfriend.

Whoa, whoa, WHOA. Did I just say boyfriend? I was speaking hypothetically, you know. I do NOT consider you to be my boyfriend, and you sure as hell don't think of me as your girlfriend. No, all of that was written hypothetically and impulsively. Do not think I'm serious, you hear me, Shinichi?

Well, would you look at the time! I need to go make dinner now!

Love,

Ran


	3. Conan Confusion

**Quick warning. Lots of this chapter contains serious spolers for the 11th Detective Conan movie, Jolly Roger in the Deep Azure. If you have not watched that, I'd suggest you skip this chapter. Sorry!**

Dear Shinichi,

It's been about a week since we visited that island and rediscovered the Jolly Roger. And that trip has made me realize something. It also threw logic out the window.

First, I'll tell you what happened while we were there. We visited an island that was famous for having a legendary 'treasure' under the ocean. While we were there, two criminals seeking the treasure captured Sonoko and me. Since one of the men had been shot with a rifle, the blood scent would attract sharks. Sonoko and I were being used as bait.

Luckily, we managed to escape the sharks and got into the underwater cave safely. We discovered the Jolly Roger, but there was no treasure. Because of this, the kidnappers planned to kill us. But right before they did, Conan saved us.

Like he always does.

When I watch him, I feel so confused. When he's around me or Sonoko or Migure-keibu, he acts like an overly curious child with an unlimited supply of seemingly useless facts. But if you just watch him when he's not around adults… he turns into a whole knew person.

And it's not just around people. He'll act so mature even in front of me when he's confronting a criminal. Remember how I said Conan-kun saved us? He did that by kicking a soccer ball in the kidnappers' faces! And right after that, he confronted _another_ criminal who had followed him. The guy was holding a loaded gun and he didn't even flinch! He just walked calmly towards the man; speaking in that same tone of voice you always get while wrapping up a case.

He told us that everything he said back then was quoting my father's words. But when I asked Tou-san, he didn't seem to remember ever saying such a thing.

Then there was an earthquake, right in the cave where we were. That caused water to come flooding into the cavern along with poisonous gas. Guess who took action then?

You got it. It was Conan-kun. He ushered us onto the ship and, as the water levels continued to rise, I turned to him for help. I turned to a first grade child and asked 'what do we do now, Conan-kun?' He came up with a plan that could've killed him, but was willing to go through with it if it saved us. And that just doesn't make sense. For surely a child would break down crying if they thought they would die. I've never heard of a kid, let alone a seven year old, willingly risking his life for others. Frequently.

After miraculously surviving the explosion that followed his plan, he passed out from lack of oxygen when the ship flooded. You know why he had no air? Because he gave his only two air tanks to Sonoko and me! That was twice in the same day that he put himself in a life-threatening situation to save someone else.

I suppose it was lucky that he's so much like you. I knew, from that expression on his face, that he was lying when he said he had a third air tank. I knew from the start that he had given us the only ones, and so I was able to share my tank with him.

As I watch him, he just confuses me more and more. He never plays games with his friends unless it's baseball or soccer. He absolutely adores games with strict rules and penalties and an organization code. Tag? Wouldn't even think of it. Hide and Seek? Only if we pester him. He always hangs around at the back of the group, talking to Ai-chan with a serious expression.

And that's another thing: Ai-chan. Haibara Ai, a cute little girl who acts like a woman. She rarely smiles, and when she does it's normally this mocking smirk directed at Conan-kun. I would think that she's bullying him, but he just rolls his eyes and brushes it off, more exasperated than offended.

I worry about that boy. Sometimes I consider taking him to a social group, if only to teach him how to get along with kids his age. I never do, though. I know that he'd hate me if I tried. Cause the weird thing is, he's capable of holding a conversation with an adult. He'll even sit down with Agasa-hakase, and _inventor_, and have a discussion over tea and coffee. By the way, the tea is for Hakase. Ai-chan's gotten really strict about his diet. And don't even ask me why Hakase lets a child drink coffee, cause I have no idea. And it's black coffee. No milk or sugar or creamer. The only person I know who can drink something like that is you, Shinichi. So either that kid's been hanging around you far too much, or he has no sense of taste.

Somehow, I doubt it's the latter.

Conan-kun has been with us for over a year now, and I hardly know anything about him. He avoids conversation related to his family, unless its you or Agasa-hakase. I guess that makes sense. A child wouldn't really want to talk about parents that are never around. Sometimes I almost think that you're his dad, you two are so alike.

Oh. My. God.

Did I just write that?

Did that _really_ just go through my mind?

You know, Shinichi, pretend I never wrote that. Delete it from your mind. Permanently. Erase that thought from memory. Cut out those words and burn them in the fire. I don't care, just get rid of them.

Or, better yet, replace it! Instead of dad, let's go with 'brother.' Yeah, that works. Much less disturbing. I'm going to pretend you're his older brother! Although I did draw out a diagram, and apparently you're his second cousin once removed. Or was it twice removed? Then again, I'm not even sure if I connected everything correctly.

Does your mother have an uncle? I'm pretty sure Conan is the 'grandson of the uncle of the daughter of the brother of your mother's father.'

So let's see. If we were to connect it all, that means two things. I all depends on whether or not your mother has an uncle. If she does, then you two are cousins of some sort. If she doesn't, that would mean that Conan is your son.

I'm pretty sure that's not physically possible. So either your mother has an uncle, or she's lying about Conan-kun being related to her. But that wouldn't make sense because he's practically a miniature carbon copy of you with glasses.

You know what? I'm just going to say Yukiko has an uncle and drop the subject. It's making my head hurt and seriously freaking me out.

So, yeah. Sorry for getting waaaay off topic, there. I don't even know where it came from. Then again, I am writing down my thoughts here, and those were my thoughts…

…And I'm getting off topic again! Zippity-doo-da, I can't seem to keep my train of thought on its track.

I'm just going to end this letter here and now. Before I say something that makes both of our heads hurt.

Love,

Ran


End file.
